I’m healing much faster than I thought I would. Luckily, I’ve been able to sleep like a newborn, which helps. I feared crippling pain and much more limited mobility. Six days after the procedure, I feel that the anticipation I experienced was much worse than the actual surgery and aftermath. Today, especially, I feel like I’ve turned a corner. I’ve needed less and less painkiller and have increasing energy. I realize now that there was nothing to fear from this. The wounds are draining faster today, somehow.
Mentally, though, I’m definitely not there yet. Mentally, I feel like an old woman. The process in my current state to get ready to take a shower is endless and comical. Ryan still has to wash my hair for me. Here’s another fun secret: pain medication makes you constipated. I’m obsessed with fiber and water. I’m dressing only in pajama tops because I can’t pull anything over my head yet. My trips outside are still fewer than I’d like, and that, combined with my wardrobe, makes me feel like a shut-in. I felt this diagnosis would sentence me to a prolonged life as an old woman. I should fear dying much more than getting old.
I know the physical changes are only temporary. I just hope I can shake this feeling that somehow, I’m broken. That strangers will find me less worthy of friendship or respect because they’ll figure out my secret. I fear that I’ll look normal on the outside, but still like an old, sick woman inside.
It took me three days to finally take off the giant dressing that the doctor said I could remove in two, and when I did, I knew I was going to be okay. It looked as ghastly as I imagined, but there was no infection, no swelling. Everything looked clean. There weren’t even bruises of any kind. I look lopsided, but honestly, it’s okay. I was so terrified of what might have been lurking under the dressing that it felt like a weight from my shoulders to take it off. It looks better and better every day. It’s certainly not shocking to take off my top anymore. Dr. Yee did excellent work.
Friday is going to be a busy day. I hope my energy level stays on its upward trajectory.