Listen. If you’re reading this, I love you. I care about you, deeply.
You’re doing so much for me, whether you know it or not. You’ve written me, you’ve sent things, you’ve given me priceless advice, you’ve liked my Instagram photos. You’ve been my friend.
I realized something yesterday, in a session with Dr. Hayakawa. I think that maybe I’m having a little trouble accepting all of this love gracefully. You mean so much to me, and I don’t know if you can feel that right now. And I want to show you all right now that I appreciate you, and I can’t. All I can do, right now, is to send handwritten notes or express it to you if I see you in person. And I can only hope it’s adequate.
But the doctor told me that to try to make it up to you now would be robbing you of the gift of grace; of giving purely from the desire to help. It had never occurred to me, but he’s so right. So whatever it is that you’ve done for me, thank you. I hope that one day I can help you.
I know you may not know what to say to me. You don’t have to talk about it, you know. I understand. If I were you, I’m not sure what I would say to you. Frankly, I talk about cancer way more than I want to already. If you don’t want to, that’s fine by me. We can talk about anything you want. I want to hear about you. I want to hear about your kids or your job or whatever is on your mind. No matter what’s going on with me, we’re still friends and I don’t want that to change. I’m not supposed to drink or really do anything fun during this upcoming phase of my treatment, but we can still hang out.
I also want you to know this: I hope nothing like this ever happens to you. I know I haven’t even come to the hard part yet, and already, I know it’s painful and nasty and sad and lonely. I’m sharing with you here just in case it does happen to you, or someone else you love. If I can help one person, even a stranger, through this, it’ll be worth it.
I’m glad you’re reading this. You’re helping me to cope; to express what’s in my mind and heart, and I am grateful for that. So thank you.
I hope at the end of this, I am a nicer person. I want to have some kind of wisdom I didn’t have before, or some kind of strength that wasn’t there. I want something good to come from this.
I hope that I continue to have the time and energy to write. I will, as often as I can. Thanks for everything.
And, thanks to Ryan, more sushi today! Chirashi take out from Sushi Spot in Aiea.