hey.

Listen. If you’re reading this, I love you. I care about you, deeply.

You’re doing so much for me, whether you know it or not. You’ve written me, you’ve sent things, you’ve given me priceless advice, you’ve liked my Instagram photos. You’ve been my friend.

I realized something yesterday, in a session with Dr. Hayakawa. I think that maybe I’m having a little trouble accepting all of this love gracefully. You mean so much to me, and I don’t know if you can feel that right now. And I want to show you all right now that I appreciate you, and I can’t. All I can do, right now, is to send handwritten notes or express it to you if I see you in person. And I can only hope it’s adequate.

But the doctor told me that to try to make it up to you now would be robbing you of the gift of grace; of giving purely from the desire to help. It had never occurred to me, but he’s so right. So whatever it is that you’ve done for me, thank you. I hope that one day I can help you.

I know you may not know what to say to me. You don’t have to talk about it, you know. I understand. If I were you, I’m not sure what I would say to you. Frankly, I talk about cancer way more than I want to already. If you don’t want to, that’s fine by me. We can talk about anything you want. I want to hear about you. I want to hear about your kids or your job or whatever is on your mind. No matter what’s going on with me, we’re still friends and I don’t want that to change. I’m not supposed to drink or really do anything fun during this upcoming phase of my treatment, but we can still hang out.

I also want you to know this: I hope nothing like this ever happens to you. I know I haven’t even come to the hard part yet, and already, I know it’s painful and nasty and sad and lonely. I’m sharing with you here just in case it does happen to you, or someone else you love. If I can help one person, even a stranger, through this, it’ll be worth it.

I’m glad you’re reading this. You’re helping me to cope; to express what’s in my mind and heart, and I am grateful for that. So thank you.

I hope at the end of this, I am a nicer person. I want to have some kind of wisdom I didn’t have before, or some kind of strength that wasn’t there. I want something good to come from this.

I hope that I continue to have the time and energy to write. I will, as often as I can. Thanks for everything.


And, thanks to Ryan, more sushi today! Chirashi take out from Sushi Spot in Aiea.

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18 responses to “hey.

  1. I only comment from time to time, but I read every post and keep you ,Ryan and the kids in my thoughts and prayers. I don’t know what I can do to help, but you are not alone.

  2. Aw, honeybuns, you’ve helped me a lot without knowing it just by being a badass in general. You might not think you are, but you are. Who else am I gonna swap recepies and complain about abyssmal grammar with? I think I said once before that I’m not always the best at helping someone with their immediate problem, but I’m really good at distracting you from it.

    So, there’s my job then. Can I have a cookie? ❤

  3. The only thing I can really think of doing is screaming “Boobies!” at the top of my lungs.

  4. We love you and you do so much for so many. Xoxoxxoo

  5. I have admired you since the fourth grade, Jennifer. You are and always have been a class act. Your candid words make me laugh, cry, and make me want to be a better person. Big prayers you kick this cancer right in the junk.

  6. Jen…I hope, at some point, you’ll fully realize the enormous strength you’re exhibiting and how much it shines through your words. That you’ll be able to look back at your blog, once this ordeal is in the past, and give yourself the same credit that all of us are giving you. Good grief, girl, you are absolutely blowing me away. You sumboooody! You truly are.
    Sending loving hugs your way…tutu

  7. You really are delightful, Jen. Thanks for always sharing. I’m been following you and Ryan for quite some time now and your family is a constant reminder of how love can always shine through. I’m lucky enough to have that in my life as well.
    Thinking of you all.
    ~Scott

  8. Jen,
    I read your blog everyday and do not know always what to say to you. But I do think about you and your struggle daily. You’ve been part of my life for the longest time now and even thought I do not really know you I feel as if I do.

    You have my support and love everyday. You are stronger than you think and know and I am so proud of you!

  9. Aw, shucks. My family and I love you too. Just hang in there and squeeze every bit of happy you can out of the day. That’s all any of us can do. 🙂

  10. Glad y’all are my friends (regardless if we have met in person or not). Happy to be here when ya’ need it. p.s. the group, Bison, who I shared on Popspotting, has filmed their first video are doing some touring and even opening a show for The Avett Brothers.

  11. I don’t know you personally but I feel like I know you through Popspotting and the Lost community. I am always in awe when I read your blog just because you express yourself beautifully. Thank you for taking us along with you on your journey. You are all in my prayers.

  12. Jen,
    For all the people who loved the transmission and followed you and Ryan for years, just know that you are in our hearts and our prayers as you go through this fight. Your blog is a testament to your strength and spirit. Having lost a mother to breast cancer at a young age and a sister who was diagnosed and successfully beat this disease, I marvel at how much medical progress has been made over the last 35 years successfully treating this form of cancer. You have a huge cheering section, a loving family and all the inner strength it takes to beat this thing. You are an inspiration to us all!

    Cat

  13. Sending you lots of love from me and my family in Virginia, Jen. Hope you feel the heartfelt wishes across the miles in the form of a great, big hug! I wish we could do more – and if we can, please ask! My husband asks about how you are doing all the time. Your blog is awesome, and I love your honesty and sharing. I guess that may feel strange since we haven’t talked in so long and you don’t even know him. We started reading all of Ryan’s posts about Lost a while back, and I told him about you both back then. Since then, we have enjoyed your family photos on Facebook and seeing Katie grow up so fast. But, we are pulling for you and send you lots of well wishes and aloha.

  14. I’ve been reading this blog off and on in spurts since Ryan posted a link to it several weeks ago. I’m sure everyone including I wish you the very best and a quick recovery on this long and hopefully successful journey to better health.

    Cancer is not nice as my family has been touched with it in the past. However unlike the past the chances for a good outcome is better today than it was 30 to 40 years ago.

    Best wishes. Mel in HNL.

  15. Pingback: On Writing « Jen's Cancer Blog

  16. Thinking of you Jen and sending you love. – Aaron

  17. Pingback: Season 2, Episode 1 | Jen's Cancer Blog

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