I’ve been very anxious this past week. I’ve been too nervous to write; I have had not much of an appetite, and not much desire to do much of anything but be anxious.
I can’t even tell you what I’m anxious about. I’m worried about my kids. I’m worried about home repairs and housework; about bottled water. I’m looking for reasons for it, and I can’t find any. It doesn’t seem to be a side effect of the chemo. I just know that recently, I’ve spent every minute being freaked out about something. It’s unhealthy to worry this much, I’m sure, but I don’t know how to stop.
I woke up today feeling somewhat peaceful. It was such a relief. Last night the tension was painful. I didn’t think I’d ever feel normal or happy again, but today, I’m calm. I don’t know for how long, and I’m scared. I don’t know how I’ll cope if it comes back. I think the peace might have come from a middle of the night cleaning rampage. I hope that that’s not what it takes.
I do think I’ve been handling baldness better than I anticipated, though. I’ve only made a few trips out, and I’ve gotten a few curious looks, but also some knowing nods and even encouraging words.