round three

I feel peaceful today. The anxiety has calmed somewhat. I feel grateful for days like this, when the serenity prayer wedges itself into part of my brain and sticks there for a little while.

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Yesterday, during treatment, I confessed my anxiety to a nurse, who spoke with Dr, Nguyen, who let them give me Ativan, an anti-anxiety medication. It really helped.

Dr. Nguyen and I have had conversations about this anxiety and he’s recommended several medications that he thinks might help, but only my psychiatrist. Dr. Hayakawa, can prescribe them. I’ve been playing phone tag with Dr. Hayakawa for a few days and now he’s on vacation. I learned today, though, that my regular physician, Dr. Hata, can prescribe something.

I don’t want more medication. I want to conquer this with prayer or yoga or meditation. I’m still trying all of those things, and I feel healthier, but I just can’t quiet the voices whispering “what if”?

This anxiety has had a major plus side, in that it’s driven me to get more done than normal. I’ve been on a mission to declutter and decrud the house. Now I fear the new medication will remove my drive. It might quiet some of the voices, but I think I might need a few of them. I know a new drug isn’t necessarily the answer. I want to fight this cancer with everything I have, though, unencumbered by what if’s and thoughts of things I can’t change.

I’m not scared of this disease. I’m afraid of the future. I realize now that I need Ryan in my life for the rest of my days, and this cancer has made it clear to me that anybody can lose anyone they love at any time. What would I do if I lost him? I literally don’t know how I’d survive. He’s my soulmate and we’re partners in every way. This cancer has redefined things in our relationship somewhat, and everyday, I regret that.

I have found a few things that have centered me these days. I’ve found sitting on my bed with my iPod makes me calm for a while. It sounds so simple, and I know I could be using my time more productively, but I’ve always needed music around me. Music has helped boost me so many times.

I hope, somehow, I can just this kind of inner calm every day.

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4 responses to “round three

  1. Jen,
    I understand what you are going through. I had several rounds of chemotherapy not because I have cancer but as treatment for my Multiple Sclerosis . The medication leaves you weak & tired & it can also take its toll mentally & emotionally. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. Use your prayer, yoga, music & whatever you need to relax. Don’t feel bad about changing relationships because everything is constantly changing. My husband gets scared sometimes about what the future will bring but I know who holds the future & the Lord always takes good care of me & He will do the same for you 🙂

  2. Jen, you are doing such an incredible job of coping. I’d imagine that those voices make themselves known to everyone in your situation. You’re in the thick of your treatment; a time, I’d expect that emotional stuff can easily surface. I completely understand your desire to not add another med to the mix. And, prayer, yoga and meditation…and, yes, sharing…are wonderful “tools” to integrate into your treatment. Are you allowed to step up your visits to Dr. Hayakawa? If so, he should have additional tools to help you over this hump…even if it’s just reassurance from a neutral 3rd party. As you start to see the light at the end of the treatment tunnel my guess is those voices won’t find much to talk about. More hugs. More prayers. Tutu

  3. Jen, you ARE using your time productively. You are fighting a battle, and that is all you have to do right now. I know there are things you want to get done, but the chemo is getting rid of the bad cells, and it could be that you taking it easy is exactly what it needs right now in order to do that.

    FYI: Ativan doesn’t make you feel drugged. It takes the edge of the anxiety but it’s like you will become out of it while you’re taking it. I understand your reluctance to add another medication, but I don’t think it’s too heavy duty.

    Blessings on your days.. I am praying for you daily.

    Mokihana

  4. I am not going through anything of what you are but I am on anxiety medicine. It really helped me, it didn’t make me feel drugged but I actually ended up being more productive because I wasn’t so anxious about everything. It really really helped me out a lot! Just ask my husband 😉

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