Fonder

I dream of hair.

Every night, in my dreams, I have soft, pretty, just-under-shoulder-length hair. It’s my natural dark brown, without any trace of the gray that had been coming in the last couple of years. My hair is beautiful. It’s the hair of my dreams.

However, my dream self is not pleased by this. My dream self wonders where this hair came from. It seems to have magically grown in overnight. I don’t have any kind of explanation for the dream versions of my friends or family as to why I suddenly have hair again.

I’ve recently ventured out with hair, though, in a way. A man at church, whose wife passed away from breast cancer in January, gave me her wigs. I had never met him before, and I hadn’t been to church in a few weeks, which means he must have been carrying them around for a while. I feel humbled and grateful to know that he noticed me and thought of me.

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June was hard. I talked about my struggle with anxiety briefly. I was prescribed Prozac, and started to see a counselor, but not before spiraling down into a big dark hole, dragging Ryan down with me. I was so overwhelmed that I stopped doing everything that I loved, opting to solve imaginary crises instead. Writing was totally out of the question.

Ryan and I have weathered some heavy stuff in our relationship, but last month was the hardest. He said last month that he used to wonder why couples seem to bust up during times of crisis when they need each other most, but he suddenly understood how it could happen. Fortunately, for us, it didn’t.

At some time a couple of weeks ago, the clouds lifted. I still have moments where it gets a little overcast. I’m relieved, because there were moments when it seemed like I’d never feel happy or relaxed again. I felt pretty desperate and afraid. I’m just happy to be able to enjoy things again.

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My fingers and toes went numb this weekend. It’s a common side effect of the taxol. I’d read about this particular side effect and was hopeful I’d managed to escape it, since it reared its head so late in the game. It’s annoying, but hasn’t impacted my ability to function.

The side effects of my treatment so far have been mild. I feel pretty lucky. I feel lucky enough, in fact, to join Ryan this weekend on the Big Island. It’s just an overnight trip, but I desperately need a dose of the healing energy and magic of the island. I can’t wait.