next phase

I’m terrified to go to the doctor.

Twice, I have made appointments to see my gynecologist, as I have been asked to do, and twice I’ve “forgotten” to go.  I am required to see my doctor, because now that I am taking Tamoxifen, I am at greater risk for developing uterine cancer.

I’ve managed to forget these appointments, but I fear that if I keep them, I will hear news I don’t want to hear right now.

I’m getting on with my life.  I don’t even like talking about cancer anymore.  I’m emotionally spent and looking for ways to create and excited to find new things.  I’ve stopped writing about it altogether, opting to treat you to some of my fiction writing instead.

When I was diagnosed, I was in denial about the whole thing.  I think I’ve gone back to that place, where I can just pretend all the treatment and doctor’s visits were some kind of crazy passing phase.  Sometimes I have to be reminded that I was ill.

For instance, I carried around a letter in my bag for months, which stated that I had been referred to the genetic counseling department at Queens and could go for a blood test to determine if I have the BRCA gene.  I made the appointment, after a long time.  This test not only determine what’ll go on for me in the near future, but also my daughter.

I look at myself, and I see how I’m handling the aftermath of my illness and treatment, and I wonder if I’m crazy.

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4 responses to “next phase

  1. Praying for strength (mental, physical and spiritual) for you!

  2. You’re not crazy, Jen. Dealing with the aftermath of cancer is unique to everyone and I think that – if you can – try to stay away from judging yourself and just feel, be and react the way you do because you do. It’s your experience. It’s your pain. It’s your fear and it’s your story. So, however you choose to “deal” with it, is OK because it’s YOU.

  3. Jen, you’re not crazy! You’re an amazingly talented, strong woman who also happens to be witty and creative! Hugs to you!

  4. Lusus Naturae

    What they said. Also, go to the doctor. If there’s nothing wrong, you’ll feel better. If there is something wrong, better to know now than later when things could be worse. (I have to tell myself this in context of many things, honestly. It’s hard to face that fear of Something Wrong, but it has to be done.)

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